Pasolini, La Ricotta, 1962

on prayer | 21

 from Ordet, Carl Theodor Dreyer, 1955

bests of the summer

a weird, terrible, no-good summer, the worst of my life, and yet there was still much to be thankful for:

lincolnville motel, what a dream // birthday wine from drifter's wife // homemade sourdough bagels // just the very fact of getting a dream job, even if i couldn't accept it // WALDEN POND, over and over and over // melissa & travis // charcuterie on our cabin porch in maine // reverse pull-ups // pizza pizza pizza // kate zambreno // peckhams' greenhouse in little compton // my geranium plant, a real joy // last days with the coyles // a rhode island summer, just what i wanted // my first NYC exhibit // rachel cusk // floating in the pool // a bouquet for graduation // washing the new car in the driveway with mom and dad, a deeply familiar task // our own hatchback // a spontaneous nc trip // jean & rosie // madness, rack and honey // chase's daily, three days in a row // LIME ROCK, a refuge // a surprise birthday hike // oyster river winegrowers // my desk overlooking sheldon st. // fulbright miracles, julia bee // michael and mirjiam's backyard on the fourth of july // moving the mattress into our living room on the hottest nights to be near the ac unit, like a slumber party // a banner for maya // burnt honey ice cream // all the ice cream from big feeling // pozole // tamales from dolores // derek in pvd, at last // homemade waffles // sachuest point nature preserve // jane & ernie's back porch on a sunday afternoon // running again // a text from nick, that bit of hope at the end after all

[austin at walden pond, our first trip]

bests of the summer

the loops // PROCIDA // gianna // accidentally biking the entire east bay bike path // homemade sourdough pizza // rosemary tornelli with apertivo // bolsena, again // spike ball with teigue and john at india point park // india point park every single day // mark doty // cape cod // biking with heather // the ripest cantaloupe // go-karting for dad's 60th // grad formal // fleabag // alligator anxiety // craigslist rug // thunder in florida, that deeply familiar sound // briley's enthusiastic sea turtle lecture // sea turtles in the moonlight on the beach // aly & shona, their laughter // manatees and green flies // heavy palms, almost as heavy as the air itself // homemade strawberry granita // "the heart is a repository of vanished things" // the scent of orvieto – old stone, jasmine and overly-perfumed italians // my tower apartment, all to myself // un cappuccino e due biscotti // catherine's head at san domenico // focaccia con pomodoro in foligno // breakfast with emma in munich // HELFTA // sister pauline and sister christiane // els' eyes, the spirit of god // bored afternoon trips to intimissimi // frantumaglia in one weekend alone // "to tolerate existence we lie, and we lie above all to ourselves" // evenings at barcaro with austin // prosciutto tortellini with arugula made on our hotplate, over and over again // discovering the upstairs patio at febo // meeting austin at the orvieto train station // getting to share somewhere i love with someone i love // how i always feel most beautiful in italy, sun-kissed and sweaty // the nuns outside of buon gésu: your face, a sacrament // the patio at freni e frizioni in trastevere and all the free food // and rome, a city i barely know and deeply love // the blue glasses at cassetta nonna maria in procida // aperol spritz // the velvet green of the ocean in procida // riding the waves // cat's eye blue // ludovica and insalata di limone // seeing donato sarratore // a carafe of rosé with melissa // scraping together coins for the church carnival down the street // train to philly // jia tolentino // buck meek // how this could go on and on

such a strange summer of such overwhelming joy and also a turn of despair – but it's too much, all of this. i do not know where it ends. i could keep listing good things – and keep thinking: it's too much.

[our kitchen at cassetta nonna maria, mamiya 7]

nel limoneto

I'm still convinced blogs are the best form of social media – if they count? – despite my lack of presence here. 

I am back from several weeks abroad and filled with gratitude. I turned twenty-seven, an otherwise odd and boring age, on an island off the coast of Naples. There are too many good things to write about, so I will just write about one, which A. and I keep referring to as "the loops." On our bike ride home from dinner on my birthday, we decided we wanted to bike a little further and so turned right instead of left back to the cottage where we were staying. We headed up a quiet hill and kept going before realizing it made one big loop before sending us down the hill again. When we got to the bottom, I said, "let's do it again," which we did, and then another time too. A. says he was whooping with joy. We had the streets entirely to ourselves and it felt like we were navigating a race course, following the curves of those narrow streets on our speedy bikes. It was the simple joy of childhood, that sense of freedom, of warm wind passing over your hands and up your arms, of the focused attention required to avoid potholes and take each curve, of the silence of the night air and the awareness that your companion is right behind you.

For these moments, small as they are, I am full.

[pictured: a stop on our bike ride, earlier in the day, overlooking the porto]

bests of the summer

Because I am woman of habit, I have to keep these things up, even when it's months late –

bear island, nothing better // meeting rosie // lemongrass cider at surf club with amber d., over and over // and having a female friend to talk to about politics // SIMON // franny's poetry reading // mepkin abbey, always // you are a god of seeing // sunrise walk on the beach with a. // jamila woods in person // breakfast tacos with derek // alexandra's birthday party // a day in durham with elsa, soren, + torunn // walking home drunk with tor // all my best lady pals together on a blanket // margaret's fairy houses // lazy sunday afternoons at bobbit's hole // my native flower garden (ugh, I miss it) // brewery bhahavana + banana walnut cake with a. // murakami for the first time // the ymca pool // a grocery store cake "in the colors of RISD" from holy family folks // cajun dance in a furniture-maker's barn // jean's baptism // whale-watching in maine with my family // that early, early morning alone watching the sunrise in portland // ACADIA // strawberry granita // touring apartments in providence with mom // sweetest gift + note from max // sitting on the rocks on belle isle in richmond // tea parties with margaret // best, best durham birthday party // penland, a gift // the clientele // living with kendra, ryan, langdon, and elias for two weeks // mary karr // birthday rosemary grapefruit drinking vinegar + morning buns // best birthday overall with the best people // getting back in the darkroom and remembering why I love photography // grilled cheese with tomato jam // our backyard picnic table, even if short-lived (v. worth it) // new swimsuit, first bikini // mornings with amber j. at penland // just amber in general // pizza + whiskey with frank // by each try to simply merit the fitness of a lone occasion // things coming to an end, things coming toward a beginning

[pictured: flowers from my garden <3]

I always found you there

 

So, I made it to Rhode Island – now trying to make stuff, the reason that I'm here! Before I left, I met with one of my mentors for coffee to say thank you (something I'm trying to do better and more often, saying thank you) and she told me when I get to my new studio to leave all the walls blank. Don't put up any of my old work or pictures that I 'succeeded' with before or felt good about. Don't even look at them. If you look at them, she said, you'll be tempted to just go back to what worked before and be less likely to take creative risks. So that's what I'm doing and I'm f*ing scared that everything I'm making is really stupid but I am trying to stick with it, keep moving forward, ask the questions later and just play with materials and make images that I like. Here's to reminding myself of that here, permanently.